Secret Santa & Mistletoe
by Drive all night
Summary: Just a quick Christmas BURZEK one-shot...& a Happy New Year two-parter.
1. Secret Santa & Mistltoe

**Just a little One-shot...**

Adam peered inside the envelope and groaned. "Just my fucking luck." He shoved it in his back pocket just as Atwater appeared in the doorway.

"Molly's Bro?"

"Sure, why not." He grabbed his bag and slammed the locker door shut with just a little too much force. Atwater gave him this funny little scowl.

"Hey Kev.." He pulled the envelope out of his pocket and held it up. 'You wanna swap? I will make it worth your while. Beers are on me." Now that wasn't the best idea because offering Kevin free beers often meant that he was broke until next payday. The man could drink and when they were free he someone managed to double his intake.

"Nah, man you know the rules. Lindsay made them quite clear, no swapping."

"She'll never know."

"She will know, the big fella will know."

He rolled his head back and looked at the ceiling before taking a deep breath and returning his focus to Kevin. "Fine, let's go." Secret Santa would have to be the biggest bullshit he'd ever heard off. Why the hell was Lindsay suddenly all family, blah blah? Why did they all have to go for dinner at her place? How could he get out of it?

Quite frankly he couldn't. He'd tried; subtly of course but Lindsay was having none of it. Al told him to stop whining and Kevin just ignored him. He would rather someone squeezed his nuts in a vice than sit through this.

He had convinced himself that this was rigged. There was no way this didn't happen on purpose but then again he'd run fresh out of luck months ago so it was no surprise.

"I swear to god Ruzek if you kill my buzz I will make you pay." Lindsay opened the door to him and took one look at his depressing face and warned him.

"Relax Erin, you are wound far too tight. I will not kill your buzz." He pushed a smile onto his face. "Merry Christmas." It sounded forced but he handed her a potted poinsettia and stepped around her into the apartment.

His eyes scanned the place quickly and he breathed a sigh of relief. He had time to slam down a couple of drinks to help him relax. Slipping his present under the tree he had a quick peek at the rest of them. "Don't you touch anything Ruzek." Lindsay barked at him.

He was hopeless at Christmas, even as a child the waiting killed him. He would spend countless hours trying to figure out what was in the boxes under the tree. His Mom and Day may have been barely functioning as parents, but his Christmas's always were magical. Lately that magic had worn off. To be precise this was the second Christmas in a row that sucked.

Making his way over the makeshift bar Halstead poured him a shot. "Merry Christmas Buddy." They touched glasses. "I'm not sure where all this nonsense came from. It's like Santa and his Elves vomited all over the place." That was a pretty apt description of the place. Christmas spewed from every surface.

Gradually the place filled up. Kevin rocked up dressed as Santa, no one needed to drag him kicking and screaming into the festive season. Kevin was made for Christmas. Voight and Al looked at interested as Ruzek did; Antonio seemed to have a new lease on life as sickening as that was. A new job and Sylvie Brett had made him giddy with excitement and he was rivalling Kevin for the most excited person in the room.

Adam felt the breath catch in his throat and turned away when Kim arrived. No wonder Kim and Kevin got on so well, she loved Christmas and came looking like Mrs Claus. Knowing those two they co-ordinated this down to the T. Halstead handed her a glass of champagne as Lindsay took her coat.

"Merry Christmas Adam." She turned to him last. He was the last person she spoke to and it would have been weird not to greet him. Everyone else had welcomed her to her first Intelligence Christmas Dinner. Funnily enough, it was the First Intelligence Christmas dinner ever.

"Merry Christmas Burgess." As soon as he said it he cringed a little. That was probably a little harsh and the look on her face was upsetting. He'd upset her and that was never his intention, he was just finding being in close proximity to her hard. Why did no one get that? "It's cold out huh?" He added quickly.

"Too cold for this." She flicked the corner of her skirt.

"It's cute."

Thankfully Erin did not sit them next to each other at dinner, he was up one end of the table and Kim was a few seats further up on the other side. Not that it made much difference. It wasn't like it was a huge banquet table; they were still close enough.

Kevin was more than happy to embrace his role of Santa and hand out the gifts. One by one everyone opened the presents. Lindsay managed to get to lovely book on how to clean almost any stain. "You know now that you are all domesticated and all. Surely Halstead expects you to keep his house clean." Al added helpfully.

Voight poured his drink into his new mug declaring his status as the 'Boss' and spent the rest of the night drinking out of it.

Most presents made sense. Adam received a box of a hundred pens because he was always stealing pens off desks. What he actually did with them no one had ever figured out. One day they had to turn up surely.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to watch Kim open her present or not. Was he game enough?

Not one other person at that table got it, but she did. Inside a box were packets of popping candy and a bunch of green and red Lindt balls tied together. Kim's eyes grew wide, she knew precisely who it was from and what it meant.

"I love Popping Candy" Halstead leaned over and picked up a packet and Kim snatched it back playfully.

"I am not sharing." Kim laughed and smiled at Adam but he had turned away. Atwater saw it; he knew whom the present was from. All the carry on about swapping names made that obvious and while he had no idea what the gifts meant, they meant something to those two. Two bloody stubborn stupid people who he loved dearly.

Now she had to find the time to get him alone something that had been nigh on impossible for weeks. He was obviously doing it deliberately, avoiding her and she couldn't blame him. Suddenly she lobbed into his space, upstairs was his world and while he had politely welcomed her into Intelligence, knowing full well from the very start that was her goal he chose to keep his distance.

While she was trying to get him alone Lindsay's place offered very little opportunity. Unless you went into the bathroom you were never far enough away from people. Atwater also knew that he had to do some work. The mistletoe that Lindsay had hanging over the entrance hall had been expertly spotted and avoided like the plague by Ruzek. He wasn't falling for that.

The only chance Kevin had was when they were leaving; all a little worse for wear. "Let's grab an Uber?" But he wasn't quick enough. Adam jumped in the front seat leaving Kevin and Kim in the back. While they chatted away in the back seat Adam was silent.

Adam jumped out first and Kevin literally pushed Kim out of the car. "What are you doing?" She protested.

"You two need to talk. Santa's orders. Don't disappoint him, he's watching."

Kim hopped from one foot to the other nervously as the car pulled away. She wasn't dressed for this. "I will order you another Uber." Adam reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

"I can walk, it's only a couple of blocks."

"You are not walking, it's dangerous and it's freezing."

"Thank you for my gift." She blurted out as she put her hand on his phone to stop him ordering her Uber.

"It was from Santa. It was a secret."

"Popping Candy and Lindt balls were no secret." With only the faint streetlight illuminating them it was hard to see his face. Kim walked over towards the steps that lead to his building and Adam followed her. He was stupid for doing that, but he couldn't stop himself. Out of her bag she pulled out the Lindt balls and held them above their heads. "Our Mistletoe."

He tilted his head to the side and bit his bottom lip for a second before grabbing the sides of her face and pulling her in for a long slow kiss. When they pulled apart she whispered in his ear. "I feel like I just swallowed a whole bag of popping candy."

"I don't want to call you an Uber." He reached into his pocket, grabbed out his keys and buzzed the door. Holding out his hand he waited until she stepped into him, laced her fingers through his and followed him upstairs.


	2. Happy New Year - Part 1

_**A/N: I decided to add a New Year two parter to this story. They are completely seperate stories. (Sorry I just had to update it because there was a little continuity error that was driving me nuts.)**_

"Hey Adam." He felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck. "How was your Christmas?"

Awesome, this had just shut down his New Year buzz. If he'd known she was going to be here he would have taken up any other offer that came his way. Why the fuck did he have to accept Atwater's invite? Probably because his begging was borderline pitiful and he felt sorry for him, along with fact that Kev was his best bud.

"Fine Burgess." He grabbed the drinks he had ordered in both hands and gave her a quick nod and returned to their table at the back.

Kim felt like her balloon had just been popped. A few weeks ago they had at least been civil to each other, bordering on friendly even but ever since she had come upstairs he was barely even speaking to her and they had gone back to surnames. It hadn't been the easiest of transitions.

She considered leaving the bar but she had been invited by some of her old Academy Pals and despite knowing that Adam was here Kim was determined to enjoy herself. Throughout the night she spotted him occasionally. He was surrounded by women, and why wouldn't he be, he was drop dead gorgeous and had a beautiful outgoing personality. He attracted people like bees to honey, that's what got her into this mess and now someone else was getting to enjoy him and she hated it.

As the clock headed towards midnight Kim pulled back on the drinking. The more she drank the more likely she was to approach him and that would be both embarrassing and stupid, especially since he had made it quite clear he was not interested in having anything to do with her. She had stopped by their table when Atwater had called her over when she was heading to the bathroom.

"Kim Burgess." He threw his arms around her neck and laid a sloppy kiss on her cheek. "How's my old partner doin'?" From over his shoulder she watched as Adam turned his back on her and leant into the girl beside him and whispered something. When she laughed she sounded so vapid that Kim cringed.

"I'm good Kev, and you?"

"Loving life." He introduced her to the girl next to him but Kim couldn't remember her name. All she wanted to do was get away from this group. "Broken any hearts lately?" Kev was obviously drunk. Adam snapped his head around and Kim just wanted the floor to open up and swallow her. She excused herself and fled to the bathroom.

It wasn't over though because she bumped smack into Adam barely twenty minutes later. "Sorry Burgess."

"You know you can call me Kim."

"Nah, I'm good." He stepped aside and continued to the bar without giving her a second look.

Why the hell he did what he did he would never know? It hurt like all hell, why did he continue to torture himself? As the bar counted down to midnight he weaved through the crowd and just after the clock ticked over he touched her back. "Kim."

She spun around and crashed into him and before she could think he had kissed her, not just a friendly peck, he had grabbed the back of her neck, tangling his hand in her hair and kissed her long and hard. "Happy New Year." The words were soft against her lips.

Just as quickly it was over and she was left staring at his back as he pushed his way through the crowd and out the door. Kim stood speechless for a moment until someone bumping into her jolted her out of her stupor and she took off after him, filled with rage and desire.

"Adam. Stop." She called out, surprised that words actually came out of her mouth but he just kept walking, his hands shoved deep into his pockets and his shoulders hunched against the cold.

"Go on walk away, that's what you are good at." Kim screamed after him, the icy air almost taking her breath away. "Why would you do that and then walk away?"

Adam swung around and almost ran back to face her, his eyes were spitting with fire and it was a look that she had never seen before. "Because I am a coward and I am pathetic, is that what you want to hear. I am pathetic because no matter how many times you break my heart, kick me in the balls and humiliate me I can't stop loving you."

"Adam." That was the last thing she expected him to say.

"I hate that you make me feel like this."

Kim wrapped her arms around herself to try and stay warm. She had come out without her coat and scarf and was starting to feel it. "What did you want me to do?

"Talk to me." His answer was simple and came out almost in a whisper.

"I tried."

"You never tried." Now he was starting to get angry again. "You never tried. You ignored me, you gave me back my ring and cut me out of your life and now you just pretend like it never happened."

"I was hurt, you didn't want to marry me." Kim was spiralling, she was trying to get him to understand but the more he talked, or yelled the more she realised how much he was hurting. How much she had hurt him. All she ever saw was his inaction and took that as a sign that he didn't love her enough.

"No, Kim. That was you and then you walked around all wounded. You wanted to transfer out because you couldn't stand to work with me." Kim had no idea that he even knew about that. She opened her mouth and was about to tell him about the push test but closed it again. That wouldn't help her cause.

Kim was trying to defend herself but she felt like it was a losing battle. "It wasn't that, I didn't want to see you everyday after you broke my heart."

"I did nothing to your heart. You broke your own heart." Shaking his head he added. "And mine."

Kim couldn't stop the bubble of rage rising inside her. "You are right about one thing, you did nothing."

"Nothing? How many times did I try and talk to you, approach you to see if you were alright? Do you know how hard I worked to clear your name? How many hours I put in to help you? Do you?" Kim just stared, he sounded so heartbroken and she had done this to him. "And what did you do? Fucked Roman and let me find out in court, in a courtroom full of our peers, our colleagues and the media. Do you know how humiliating that was?"

He turned away momentarily and she thought he was done but he faced her again. "Then suddenly I was the bad guy, everyone was at me, watching me while your fucking douche of a boyfriend swanned about upstairs like the fucking messiah and I had to shake his fucking hand because if I didn't I would look like a prick."

Adam's breathing was laboured and she could see the cold air circling around his mouth. "And now you just think you can come up and want me to be happy to see you every single fucking day."

"You don't want me in Intelligence."

"Don't even." He held up his hand angrily. "I always wanted you to have whatever you wanted, I supported you everyday. I never told you not to go for your dreams but Roman got in your head" he tapped his forehead with a finger. "and suddenly you are all about Patrol. And you were surprised that people thought you two had something going on?

"There was nothing going on with Roman and I until after we broke up but your little jealous petulant outburst certainly got people talking."

"Yes, I was jealous. I was insanely jealous and I had eaten it for weeks. Seeing you all laughing and happy with him and as soon as I appeared you looked like someone had just shot your dog. You made it patently obvious you had moved on." He ripped off his jacket and almost threw it at her. "Put it on, you're cold."

"I don't want it." Screwing it up in her hands she was just about to throw it back at him but it was his and even the action of throwing it at her had filled her nose with his smell. God, how she loved that smell, it was intoxicating. He seemed to hate her right now but he was concerned that she was cold.

He watched her and was mesmerized, she looked lost and he wanted to hold her and he could still taste her on his lips. "Put the bloody thing on Kim." She slid her arms into it and pulled it tightly around her body, letting the feeling of him cocoon her and Adam shoved his hands in his pockets to stop himself from reaching out to her and stamped his feet to distract himself.

"Adam, I'm sorry."

He tilted his head back and stared at the clear night sky, blowing out a long slow breath he watched the small cloud dissipate along with his anger. "Don't."

Kim took a step towards him and touched his arm. "Adam."

"Don't Kim, please." He turned and walked away and left her standing there battered and bruised.


	3. Happy New Year - Part 2

Somewhere is the fog of his mind he could hear a tapping; it was getting louder and louder and more urgent. Grabbing his pillow he pulled it over his head and tried to block out the tapping and the light. It didn't work, the tapping was still going, and it was like a woodpecker in his head. Had he really drunk that much?

Nope, it wasn't the alcohol that was causing the pain it was the memory of what he had done. Why? Why did he let her get to him again? 'Grow a set Adam.' He chastised himself as he rolled over.

Eventually the tapping stopped and he drifted back to sleep.

Finally hauling himself out of bed he hunted around for his phone and saw ten missed calls. A couple from Atwater, probably wondering where he had gone, one from his Pops and the rest were from a number that he wanted to forget. He tossed it back on the floor without listening to any of the messages.

As soon as he opened his fridge door, hunting for something to quench his thirst the tapping started again, except he now realised that it wasn't tapping but someone knocking on his door. He didn't have to be Einstein to figure out who was going to be on the other side. "Adam, open the god damn door.' She yelled, thumping it loudly.

He reefed open the door. "What? Not content to ruin only one year of my life, you've decided you'll fuck up this one too?"

"My My aren't we all fucking sunshine and roses this morning?"

"What do you want Kim?"

"To talk about last night."

"What about it?" He leant on the door, barely opening it halfway. He had no intention of letting her in.

"What about it?" The pitch of her voice was startling. He was so fucking infuriating and if anyone could get under her skin quicker she was yet to meet them. "What about it?" she repeated before stepping forward, grabbing the back of his neck and kissing him hard. Just as quickly she shoved him away, using all her strength to get him away from her. "How about we start with that?"

"You were there, I couldn't get you out of my fucking head. It was a dick move."

"I loved it." Even Kim was shocked that she admitted that. "For just a moment I forgot."

"I forgot every morning for months." He took a step back as Kim pushed past him into his apartment. Now he was royally fucked. "Every morning until the day I realised that you were waking up in Roman's bed."

"I cried that day."

"What day?"

"The day I woke up and realised what I'd done."

"So did I." Adam walked into his kitchen, not that it provided much separation from her. Why couldn't he get away from her, not only physically but also mentally? It was never this hard to walk away from Wendy; he'd shaken her off so quickly but then again he didn't have to see her every day and he never had to rely on her to have his back.

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

"That's rich coming from you now." Adam grabbed a glass from the bench and flicked on the faucet to get some water. Kim watched as he downed the whole glass. "You didn't seem to care much before, what's changed?"

"I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself and took a look around. The last few weeks have been hard. Nobody is happy to see me, nothing has been made easy for me and I started to try and work out why. What changed? I'd been in Intelligence before and never felt shunted aside."

"I never told anyone to make things hard for you."

"I know; you would never do that. You are not vindictive, you are one of the best people I know."

"Don't." He didn't need to hear her insincere dribble, he didn't want to hear her pathetic attempts to justify what she'd done.

"It was never you Adam, it was me."

"Ha, that old chestnut. If wasn't you it was me. Nice." The sarcasm of his comment smacked her in the face. "What? You've finally realised that your crown is a little tarnished?"

"I got scared."

"I am scared of letting you back in, I can't let you break my heart again. It's barely in one piece." Adam chastised himself internally for saying that. How fucking weak was he?

"Adam."

He turned and grabbed a coffee pod from the box. "Do you want a coffee?"

"Yes." Honestly she thought she would probably vomit if she tried to drink anything right now, but he was offering and that meant he didn't want her to go just yet. She had already been here longer than she expected. Kim wasn't expecting to even get through the door but she had to try. She had sat with her back leaning against his door for two hours waiting to hear him moving around inside. He was either not home so she would wait until he got back or he was sleeping.

Handing her a mug he turned back to the machine and continued to make himself a coffee. The silence was painful, only the sound of the coffee machine tyring to cut through the tension. "Why didn't you do anything?" That question was unlikely to break the tension but she needed to know.

Adam looked at her briefly and then turned back towards the machine. "Because I didn't think you wanted me too."

At least the bitterness seemed to have abated. "I did. I was waiting."

"For what?"

"For you to want to marry me."

"You just had to say the date and I would have been there. You kept putting it off." Kim frowned as he put a couple of sugars in his coffee; she never got how he liked it so sweet? If ever she accidently picked up his cup and took a mouthful she would gag and he would just laugh. How she would love to hear that laugh again.

"You weren't supposed to agree."

"What does that mean?"

Kim knew if she was to have any hope of sorting this out she had to lay every single detail out. They had to strip this back to the bare bones and that was going to hurt. "Someone told me, after I found out about Nicole that perhaps you were more interested in the engagement than the wedding and that I should test you…" the last couple of words almost died on her lips. Saying them out loud, to his face made it sound so ridiculous and childish. The look on his face told her that he thought so too.

"Test me?" he interrupted. "You were testing me?" He slammed his cup down on the bench, spilling coffee everywhere. He snatched the cloth off the sink and wiped it up angrily. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I was scared and confused."

"Let me fucking guess, that someone wouldn't happen to be Roman would it?" Kim didn't answer. She didn't need to, he could tell by the look on her face that he was spot on the money. "How fucking stupid are you?"

"Go to hell Adam." Kim threw her cup in the sink and turned to leave. Surprisingly Adam grabbed her hand to stop her.

"No fucking way are you leaving now. You started this, you can stay until it's finished." He looked down at his hand and instinctively he had entwined his fingers in hers. "I thought that was what you wanted." He added quietly.

"I was desperate for some reassurance from you."

"That wasn't the way to go about it. Couldn't you see how in love with you I was? I busted my ass for you, I adored you and would have done anything just to make you smile." He let go of her hand; it was starting to feel too comfortable, too nice.

"I know. It wasn't just that. We weren't living together, we couldn't agree on what we wanted. We seemed so far apart on that and coupled with everything else it got to much."

"You were here constantly, we liked this place but suddenly it wasn't enough for you. Why is that?"

"I don't know. Michelle questioned why we weren't officially living together."

"What? Was I supposed to take out an ad in the paper declaring our official cohabitation?" He was seriously starting to question her ability to be in an adult relationship. "Did you ever make up your own mind or do you constantly let other people talk you into things? I don't get it, why did you talk to everyone but me?"

"You just seemed happy to go with the flow."

"Do you know me at all? Isn't that what you love about me?" Kim's eyes widened just a little. "Sorry, what you used to love about me." He clarified.

"That's no way to have a relationship or marriage."

"Because your way of not talking is so much better." That barb hit the mark. He certainly wasn't wrong. She had always wanted to blame him for everything and was happy for others to think it was his fault when the lion's share of the blame was with her.

"My Mom?"

"What about your Mom?"

"You didn't want to meet her?"

"You don't even like her or at least that's the impression I got, but I will give you that. That was crappy of me but calling off the engagement because of that seemed extreme."

"It wasn't because of that."

"Really?" They were still standing in the kitchen; neither of them knew what to do with themselves. "Oh that's right, it was because of some stupid fucking test, right? The one I didn't know about. The one your boyfriend told you to give me." Finally he'd had enough of being this close to her and wandered into the lounge room. He busied himself lining up his remotes on the table. It was an idiotic and pointless exercise but he needed to do something with his hands.

"He wasn't my boyfriend." Was it always going to come back to this? Kim was starting to realise that this was a big issue for him. While technically she didn't cheat on him, and he had never so much as indicated that he thought that, she could sense that he felt betrayed and hurt by the fact that she had slept with him. When Kim stacked up all the regrets she felt about how she handled this whole situation, sleeping with Roman was pretty high on the list.

"Sorry, fuck buddy or whatever you want to call him." He turned to her and added. "I am sorry I blew off that dinner. That was a shitty thing to do. I wish you had just called me out on my bullshit though; you were always good at that. Why did that stop?" It was something she did a lot, told him when he was being a dick and refused to put up with his shit. "Did Roman tell you to stop? Did you like playing games with me?"

"No, god no." She hated every minute of those conversations; she just couldn't stop herself. "I don't know. I think I was scared that you would tell me that you didn't want to marry me if I asked you so instead I convinced myself that the only thing I could do to protect myself was break up with you."

"No, you let others convince you that I didn't want to marry you. It was all in your own head," he pointed to her head. "..fed by someone with their own personal agenda."

Kim had noticed that he was starting to get fidgety. He would do this when he was frustrated or bored and right now she hoped he was frustrated, because if he was bored with talking to her what hope did they have. Adam hated to be caged in, he hated having his wings clipped and when he did he would fidget, move things around aimlessly just to be doing something. He headed back to the kitchen and started to wash the cups. "Do you want me to leave?" he didn't answer, he felt himself weakening.

He stopped moving when Kim rested her hand on his back. "Adam."

"I want you to tell me how I can stop loving you." He sounded so devastated.

"No."

When he turned to face her she was stunned by the agony in his eyes. How had she broken him so badly? "Then leave me to figure it out myself."

"No." When she kissed him again his body language screamed No but his mouth said the opposite. Gone was the fierce passion that had infused both the kiss last night and the one at the door earlier and it was replaced with a painful longing. The longer it went on the more she could feel his body relax but he never touched her. Kim's hand was on his cheek, guiding the kiss but Adam didn't move.

"I can't trust you." He pulled away first and took a step back suddenly feeling light headed.

"Adam. I know I hurt you, it wasn't because I didn't love you."

"No but you didn't believe in me, you didn't believe in my love for you. You didn't trust me to understand your fears. I can't trust you not to break my heart again." He went back to the sink, back to keeping his hands busy. They were itching; his skin was crawling. Crawling with her and he had to get away but his feet were nailed to the floor.

"Let me prove it to you. Tell me what I can do? Please? Adam, I hate not being with you. I made sense when I was with you, my life made sense. I felt calm and confident and now I am second-guessing myself constantly. You had faith in me, you trusted me."

"If your life made sense with me why were you so damn quick to throw it all away?"

"I don't know."

"Then you need to figure out why. I am not going to put my heart back in your hands just for you to freak out and crush it again."

"But you want too? You want to give it back?" She tried to catch his eye but he was doing everything possible to avoid looking at her. "You want to give me back your heart? I want it."

"It's not that easy."

"I know it's going to take time, I know I have a lot of work to do. I am up for the fight. I wanted you to fight for me, but I wasn't willing to do the same. I am doing that now. I want to be with you." She held her hand on her chest, over her heart. "This love I have for you is too precious, too right to let go."

"Kim…." He started but she put her finger on his lips to stop him.

"Don't push me away please Adam, don't give up on us. I know I have no right to ask you that but please don't push me away."

"I don't want too."

"Tell me something, honestly." He finally looked at her and nodded, willing her to continue. "Those kisses, you felt it didn't you?"

"Yes." Had there been any other noise in the room at that point she wouldn't have heard him.

"Then let's fight for it."

"I am not sure I want to." Tears finally sprung from Kim's eyes. She had held them at bay all morning. Last night, when she got home they had flooded out of her but so far this morning they were under control. Until now.

"Adam, please don't say that."

"I need some time to think." Instinctively he caught one of her tears on his fingers. The feeling of his fingertips brushing over her cheek made her heart race.

"How long?" She knew she sounded desperate but didn't care and he laughed a painful little laugh.

"I think you can at least give me the courtesy of deciding that." Kim nodded. At least it was something, if only he thought about those kisses rather than the words that had been spoken. When she took at step towards him, hoping to kiss him one more time he backed away and a little bit of the hope she felt died.

 _ **A/N: Sooo...I lied, it kinda took on a life of it's own and expanded out into another Part. So it's now a 3 parter. I promise I will wrap it up in the next chapter.**_


	4. Happy New Year - Part 3

_**A/N: Well this is it, Happy New Year. I hope it's a good one for all your ships...especially mine :)**_

Kim glanced at her phone and groaned. It was 320am and she was still awake. The middle of the night was a great time for self-reflection….Not. Even getting up and doing half hour of yoga did not help. For so long she blamed him for her lot in life. Her dream job wasn't so much of a dream and not because she didn't love the work but the red carpet hadn't been rolled out and she had to work hard to get Al to respect her abilities.

Friendships had been strained and taking a vow of celibacy was a joke because men were pigs, especially those who worked here. Well except one, she really wanted him to hit on her. Being upstairs helped with that regard because she was removed from the locker room gossip and unwanted advances of every second patrol officer. I guess she couldn't blame that on Adam, even if at one point she tired. If he hadn't been so stubborn she wouldn't be single and alone and done something stupid and got herself a reputation.

Since she left Adam's place she'd heard nothing. How many times could you look at your phone? She could not will it to ring. But he had asked for time, how long he wouldn't or couldn't say; it could be a day, a week, a month. She was not sure how long she was able to wait.

Kim had just stepped out of the shower when she heard the knocking and her heart skipped a beat. She was almost breathless when she answered the door and she did consider answering just in a towel because that would force him to do something but chickened out. "Hi."

He handed her a coffee. "For you."

Kim stepped aside and he looked hesitant to come in initially. "You can come in."

"Nah, I need to get this out." He was rocking back and forth nervously. "I've been seeing someone."

Suddenly her heart was in her feet. "Oh." She couldn't look at him. "Of course. Why wouldn't you? I mean look at you, you're beautiful." All the words came out in a rush; she would have been far better to just swallow them. "She's a lucky girl."

"Kim."

"No, I get it Adam. I just wish you'd told me before you kissed me." A bubble of bile rose in her throat and she swallowed it angrily. "You kissed me, remember?"

"I remember."

"Why? Why the fuck would you do that? Give me hope? Did I hurt you that much that made you want to hurt me back?"

Seems they both still had anger inside them. "Yes you did. You did hurt me that much."

"So this is revenge?"

"No, it's not. This is all a fucking mess, that's what this is. I was trying to get over you, I was trying to move on, like you did but I can't even do that right. I can't do anything right because I am a fucking idiot."

"Come inside." She tugged on his arm, pulling him into her apartment and closed the door quietly behind him. He stopped just inside the door, unable to move. "He was never here."

Adam closed his eyes. How did she know that's what he was thinking? "Why not?" He never quite understood why he wanted to torture himself with all the details.

"I didn't want him here." Kim sat on the edge of her sofa. "Is it that girl you were with on New Year's Eve?"

He looked exactly like she did, like he hadn't slept. "No."

"Then what Adam, what are you doing?"

"Fucking everything up." The way he answered her it was like she was supposed to know that.

"Why?"

"Because the one thing I want I couldn't have."

Kim jumped up and held onto his hands; thankfully he didn't pull them away. "Then do something about that."

"I can't."

"Yes you can, Adam. Look at me." She demanded softly and waited until he finally lifted his gaze from her hands to her face. "What are you doing here?"

"I want to tell you what you want to hear because I know that would make you smile and I love to make you smile but I am scared that I won't be able to put it behind me and I'll end up walking away and hurting you and I don't want to hurt you." He was bouncing up and down and Kim knew it was because he was nervous and confused. "Despite how much you hurt me, I still don't want to hurt you."

"Okay, what if I want to take that risk?"

"What if I don't?"

"Then why are you here? Tell me Adam, what are you doing here? In my apartment? Why do you look like you haven't slept?" They were going around in circles and she couldn't keep doing that, it was driving her insane. Being close to him was like having all the air squeezed out of your lungs slowly, he was suffocating her. "Why are you torturing yourself and me? What do you want? What do you want me to do?"

He pressed his fingers over his eyes as he squeezed them shut. "I want you to love me like I love you." The words came out like lava from a volcano, suddenly and it was hot and thick and it trickled over them. When he opened his eyes she was crying and he wiped them away before kissing her cheeks softly.

"We can do this."

"I hope so, otherwise I don't think I could ever recover." His hands were still on her cheeks so he guided his lips onto hers, touching them lightly. "We go slow though. We go back to where we should have started, we jumped too quickly."

"What does that mean?"

"I'm not ready to feel your body next to mine, I'm not ready to give you everything." Sometime in the middle of the night he had to stop himself driving over here, knocking on her door and taking her to bed. Every muscle in his body was telling him to do it, to make love to her like he used to but his head, thankfully was talking louder then his heart.

"That's not going to be easy."

"Are you scared?"

"No. I've seen the grass on the other side, it's brown." Kim stepped a little closer. "Can I hug you?"

"You can." His arms wrapped around her and both of them felt their bodies melt into each other.

Leading him over to the sofa she tucked her feet up under her and leant into him so that she could drape an arm around his shoulders, she just needed to be closet to him, to be touching him again. "I missed talking to you everyday."

"I thought that you had just slipped seamlessly into my life and nothing had changed but then you were gone and there was with huge hole and I couldn't fill it. I tried."

"Your girlfriend?"

"She's not really my girlfriend, we hook up occasionally, it's mutually beneficial and neither of us want much from each other, its just sex." He sounded so casual about it, like it meant nothing. And truly it did mean very little to him. It was a means to an end; it was just sex and way to relieve his tension without having to risk his heart.

"I am not going to be the other woman."

"You've always been the other woman. You are the elephant in the bedroom. She knows it, I know it we just don't talk about it."

It came out before Kim could stop herself. Obviously he wasn't ready to have sex with her yet so did that mean she had to accept that he would still be having sex elsewhere. "Are you going to continue seeing her?"

"No." he snapped and Kim felt him stiffen. "I've already talked to her, I am not a cheater."

"Sorry Adam, I'm sorry. I know that's not you, at all."

That started him off on a rant. "I was faithful to you, completely. I never would do that, I am not my father. I wouldn't hurt you like that. I had no interest in any other woman. You know I hated myself for kissing you back when I was with Wendy. The guilt killed me and I confessed it to her that night. She was hurt but we agreed to try to make it work, she blamed you and I was happy to let her but I never forgave myself."

"That wasn't my finest moment."

"Eventually I was able to convince myself that denying my feelings for you was impossible and then when we got together I knew why, what I felt for you was nothing like what I felt for Wendy. I finally saw what love, real love was all about. It was all consuming and I never had that with Wendy. I had that with you and that's why I could walk away from her and not from you."

"What about that other girl in the bar?"

"Jesus, I was just talking to her, it was innocent flirting but I guess your green eyed little monster came out to play. Nothing was ever going to happen there, she wasn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree."

"It was just a shock seeing you with someone else."

"Well I guess you know how I felt then, at least I wasn't fishing from the company pier." Okay, he had a point there and Kim felt like she was a puppy who just had her nose smacked.

Taking a deep breath Kim sat up a little straighter. "Can I tell you something? It's probably gonna hurt."

Adam shifted uncomfortably and nodded. "Sleeping with Roman, it was awkward. It wasn't anything like what I had with you."

"Well that's good to know I guess."

"With you, it was never awkward, even that first night when we were not sure what it meant the sex was amazing. It wasn't the same, the first time I was drunk." If she wasn't careful Kim was going to break her fingers she was wringing them so violently. It would have been nice if Adam had stopped her but he was just staring straight ahead. "I tried to convince myself that was why it was awkward."

"He was a dud?" A slight smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Matches his dog personality." Kim laughed and Adam rolled his head to the side and smiled at her. "You are not just telling me that to make me feel better?"

Kim leant closer so that her face was only inches from his. "No." The kiss was long and deep and needy. "Nobody ever kissed me like you do." She sucked on his bottom lip and he dug his fingers into her hip. "Nobody ever made love to me like you do."

"Put a cork in it Darlin'." He pushed her away gently.

"That sounded nice."

"What?"

"You calling me Darlin'." It had always just rolled off his tongue; it was sweet to hear it again.

The coffee that Adam had bought her had long gone cold so Kim made them another one and they talked rationally and calmly about work, what it now meant them both being in Intelligence, how they could deal with Voight and whether or not they were going to try and keep this to themselves for now. That was going to be hard because his sudden improvement in mood would be a dead giveaway.

They decided the best option was to just be professional, not deny anything if people asked but respect that the job came first because while they were both willing to try, to fight for each other it may not work and if it didn't they would have to work together. They had to agree that if it did go south it would because they both decided to end it, that they would talk about it and go back to being friends and work colleagues.

"Do you still talk to him?" Adam asked suddenly. She knew it was bound to come up at some stage. Perhaps if they talked about it now it could be firmly put in the past and in that box that said 'never to be talked about again.'

"Not very often." And that was the truth, he had tried when he first left to call her in the vain hope that she would tell him what he wanted to hear. He knew that she regretted their fling but he didn't care; he had no regrets. The calls had slowed right down and even the text messages were dwindling. Kim rarely answered them now. "I feel betrayed, I feel that he took advantage of me and manipulated me and cared more about his feelings than mine."

"Then why do you talk to him?"

"Because he had his whole life ripped away from him, his job, career everything. I couldn't just cut him off completely; we didn't end on bad terms. We were friends before, for a good while. Even you were his friend."

"That was when I thought he had your back, not once I realised he only wanted to get you on it." It was true, Adam had not shown one ounce of jealousy towards Roman when they were together. He trusted her implicitly and she had never given him reason to doubt her. She couldn't say the same though, a couple of times she had let her insecurities manifest into jealousy and Adam had always reassured her with his words and actions that she was the only woman he was interested in. "You and I were friends before all this but you cut me out of your life in an instant."

"It was a little more complicated than that. Give me some credit."

He cocked his head to the side, his eyes were a little hard and Kim felt rattled. "Really, is this the path you want to chose?"

"No."

"So?" Kim just looked at him and waited for him to continue. "You'll have nothing more to do with him?"

"I am not sure telling me who I can and can't talk to is a good place to start this."

"Whatever. It's your call. That's my only request." He pushed himself up off the small sofa. "I'm going home and then for a run, you can come over later and maybe we can have dinner or you can continue to be friends with Roman and we both just walk away now before either of us get hurt again."

Frustration was creeping back in. He was pacing around his apartment, slamming cupboards and doors, throwing his clothes angrily in the hamper and alternating between having music on and turning it off because it was giving him the shits.

Why was he so intent on fucking everything up? He had given her an ultimatum. Good fucking God, why did he do that? Then once it was out there he couldn't take it back, perhaps he didn't want too. Perhaps he was insecure enough to need to know that she chose him, that given the choice it was him that she needed more, that it was his love that she wanted.

When he opened the door he couldn't stop the tears. "Adam, it's okay." Kim didn't want to wipe them away, seeing his pain made her understand how deep his feelings were and how much he was hurting and you can only be hurt that deeply when the feelings and love was boundless. "You can do this. We will do this."

"Happy New Year." Adam kissed her as he pulled her into his world, back into his heart.

"Yes it is."


End file.
